Our Hearts Pump Dust

I am wading through a sadness I can barely describe. It's impossibly thick and clouds my senses. I am like a work horse with blinders on. Every day is like one of those dreams where you're trying to run as hard and fast as you can but you can't remember how to make your legs work.

She's had a bit of a chest cold the past week. Coughing up thick gobs of persistent phlegm I have to catch with tissues and a pale pink kidney shaped container they give you in the hospital .
Her skin is like brown crepe paper draped over protruding bones is frail, like my resolve.

I fear losing her will go on longer than any of us anticipated.
At the same time, I hope she will stay as long as she can.
How do I live without her?
She has always been my beacon of light, she is my home.

Where my mother's love always fell short, my paternal aunt and grandmother filled in the gaps tenfold.

I've had dreams lately of falling in love. I've also had a slew of nightmares about being eaten or murdered by serial killer types.
The love thing isn't likely to happen seeing as I barely get out of the house.
The crazy murderers....who knows what it means. I don't have time to look it up.

I'm taking a brake from cleaning my room. I have been trying to clean it for a year. I can't seem to get it done. I'm always exhausted. Emotionally and physically.

I fear my friends will all forget about me during this. When it's over who and what will I have?
My family, I suppose. My mother is pushing me away more than ever.
Now I let her widen the gap without resistance. I can't make her love me in a way she can't seem to bring herself to understand.

The highlight of my weekend was briefly seeing Kolleen (my beloved BffK) and her son Aidan. They shine like the sun. I'm so grateful to have them back in my life. I was so lost without them.



I have nothing left to say right now.